Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
