he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Randomize
