I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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