tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
