There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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