Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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