That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
please come you make the beer taste better
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
