dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
