She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
