I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
