When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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