WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
