dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
