how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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