We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
