im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
