Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
