I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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