Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
