I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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