I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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