Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I need to calm my uterus...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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