no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
