I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
