Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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