guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
