Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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