Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
