Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
