Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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