help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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