You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
