she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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