No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
