my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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