I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
