Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am naked and annoyed.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
