all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize