Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
