He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
