remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
