NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
