His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm sobbing to NWA
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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