At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
