drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize