dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
