i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
