She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
