i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
