How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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