I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize