I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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