We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
