I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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