dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
