I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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