Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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