I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
