i just had sex bonerless
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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