I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
