I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If I die, sorry about rent.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize