I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
