I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
