when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
