I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
